Bowlocks - the Classic Marine blog sort of thing

All suggestions for improvements, ideas for content, quips and bright ideas for this letter would be gratefully received at info@classicmarine.co.uk . As mentioned before, if there is anyone you'd like to forward it to, please do so. 

December 24^th 2007

This is getting silly – I had to change the format of this newsletter simply to keep up with my own indolence. How the world has changed since the last one issued some time in the nineteenth century. Others noticed the change too……

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye Aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the Signals Officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then...full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case, Kiss me, Hardy".

 London Boat Show (the Excel one)

 Well Classic Boat put on a good display at the Excel London boat show in 2007. There is no doubt that, as Dan Houston (CB editor) put it – people came onto the stand and within 30 seconds were smiling. But I find it hard to disagree completely with the industry commentator who said that this was all well and good, but that this kind of stuff was a sideshow, a sort of cherry on the cake of mainstream boatbuilding.

 And an example of what fills one’s heart with glee about the mainstream part of the industtry is the award of the prestigious Design Award for Marine Equipment (DAME) for an electric stow away deck chair shown here. It goes in the deck of a superyacht. Is it just me or is the world going mad?

Is there another way? Well in my view, there is. It is possible to see “classic boats” (no, I couldn’t give you a very good definition, either) not so much as an alternative to the mainstream (ie only OK only for people with beards and smocks) but as a different thing, requiring involvement of a different level. Fewer gizmos, more input into the upkeep, (sometimes even the design) longer-term ownership of a worthwhile thing not a constant prey to the need for incessant model changes or upgrades, which becomes part of the family, a whole experience rich in shared memories and involvement. It was waffly thinking like that which tempted me to get involved in the initial Beale Park boat shows, and I’m glad I did. And a continuation of that mindset which leads me to get involved with the Classic Boat stand again in January 2008. I would be the first to admit that exact scope is a bit fluid as I write this (and with sponsorship again from Old Pulteney, the fluidity may persist) but the theme is “everything but the boat”, in other words the ancillary skills and bits and bobs which help owners keep classic boats going. So it will be practical stuff; ropework, splicing, metalwork, rigging, leatherwork with the emphasis very much on having a go, and finding out how you can get more involved in your boat.

As last year Dan is fixing up a range of talks, and with a re-jig of the stand layout they should be more central. The most central thing will be Boadicea – 200 years old and most emphatically not a museum piece.  Have a look at the CB website for the up to date details. So come and see us – 11^th to 20^th January 2008

London Boat Show (Earl's Court)

 Now before I leave the subject of London Boat Shows, a passing word about the Whyte & MacKay Earls Court Boat Show, held in early December. Not sure about the motivation – though the excel boat show is much more show than boat – or the timing what with houses no longer being cash dispensers for fripperies like boats, but I went along and liked it. Apart from the fact that the venue is better, the location better (you can go to Harrod’s dear, and you to the museums, while I go to this boat show) the atmosphere was really good. Tom Cunliffe reckoned that, as the early Beale Park shows, it was a case of the lunatics running the asylum, and all to the good for that. I hope the attendance picks up (I went on a very quiet Saturday) and also that all the stories I heard about heavily discounted stands and complimentary tickets weren’t true.

But then one does have to wonder if there is room for 2 London shows, and I can’t see a happy outcome. Both can’t struggle on indefinitely, there are limits to the size of boat you can now get into Earls Court, so that might limit it, and the prospect of Excel triumphing, together with the idea that the management might think they have got it right is too depressing to contemplate.

Bah Humbug!  Roll on 2008.